


Rude Awakenings

by fishfinna



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Canon Divergent, Comedy, Cute, F/M, Humor, I’ll stop ranting in my tags when I’m dead, OC who’s only alive to be a himbo and tie up the loose plot lines for me, Paternoster Gang, Rewrite, Role Swap, jenny flint is so much fun to write for I love her, no beta we die like men, some of this is actually sort of funny I don’t know how I did that, twissy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishfinna/pseuds/fishfinna
Summary: The Doctor and the Master wake up in the Tardis after regenerating together with no way of telling who they are. It goes about as well as one would expect. Basically just Deep Breath (S8 ep1) drunk on canon divergent plot lines with a lot of added creative liberties.
Relationships: Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra, The Doctor/Missy (Doctor Who), The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Twelfth Doctor/Missy
Kudos: 14





	1. Waking Up in a Dead Man’s Suit

**Author's Note:**

> I saw [This thread on Tumblr](https://veraynes-blog.tumblr.com/post/623469882393165825/lucifers-favorite-child-brokenbluedoors) and decided to try my hand at adding to it. This was written solely to make myself laugh but I thought I would share it, just in case someone else enjoys reading this half as much as I did writing it. Sorry about any spelling/grammar mistakes I am the worst when it comes to catching my own errors :/
> 
> Anyways enjoy!

She awoke on the floor in a haze of regeneration sickness, and found to her immense annoyance that someone was shaking her.

“Hey!” said an angry Scottish voice, “hey wake up! Would you by any chance know how to fly this thing?!” He sounded panicked. Pity, panicked people always yelled the loudest. 

“Shhhhh,” she slurred and made a weak attempt to swat him away.

He stared, he frowned, and then he shook her once more for good measure. “We’re about to die! Big lizardy thing after us! Lots of teeth, rather hungry, sort of pretty but don’t tell her I said that. I think I managed to give her the slip but now I can’t seem to take off.”

As if on cue there was an ominous rumbling noise that neither Time Lord cared to identify.

“Then why don’t you  _ do _ something about it and quit pestering me,” she hissed, peering up at him in frustration.

“I don’t know how!”

She scanned the room slowly. Definitely a Tardis, a few scorch marks sullied the floor, a couple of dents scarred the walls, but except for the flashing red lights and faint but distressed beeping coming from the console, nothing seemed out of place. The only danger here was their own incompetence, which, judging by the man in front of her, they seemed to have in spades. 

She steadied a glare on him and echoed his words slowly, “ _you don’t know how? _ You don’t know how?! This is a Tardis and you sure look like a Time Lord to me. Just fly it yourself, eyebrows.”

The Time Lord stepped away from her on wobbly legs. He looked at the console with all the comprehension of a gold fish gazing into the heart of a supernova, and pressed a button at random. The Tardis swayed slightly and a horrible growl emanated from somewhere outside. The angry beeping only seemed to grow louder.

“It’s no use. I managed to maneuver it but I can’t seem to get it to dematerialize. I regenerated recently, or I think I did. It’s all just,” he waved his arms about in an indecipherable gesture, “a blur.”

She clambered to her feet, using a nearby railing for support, everything felt decidedly wrong, she was beginning to think he had a point with his regeneration theory. It was strange, being in a new body, her mind was a disorganized blur, her black suit was a few sizes too big, and her centre of balance felt all off. She would get used to it, eventually, she always did before.

“Well that makes two of us then.” She took a few slow steps to the console. Testing her shaky new legs in shoes far too big for her feet. 

With a well trained ease she flicked a switch, pulled a lever, pressed a button, and suddenly the beeping faded to a soft hum, the flashing red lights cut to a gentle white, and the Tardis was returned to some sense of normalcy. “There, that should fix whatever damage you’ve done. Now let’s see about getting us out of here.”

“What did you do?”

“Not quite sure. Something clever, apparently.”

He stared at her for a brief moment before forcing his gaze elsewhere. “So, this is the Doctor’s Tardis, right?”

“I believe so, yes.” She waved a hand in the general direction of the exit. “Those doors are a dead give away. Always one for the police box.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “And you wouldn’t by any chance know who we are would you? I mean one of us must be the Doctor, or the Master. I know they- I mean  we, died together. I’m just having some trouble figuring out how, or why, or even who’s who exactly.”

“I’ve been having a rather similar problem myself,” she agreed, inspecting her shattered memories for anything tangible. 

She was certain that this strange furious man was someone close to her, their timelines felt almost intertwined somehow. A few distant laughs, the silhouette of a misadventure. Her equal and opposite, a madman. She didn’t have to think very hard for a title. “Well, if I had to guess I would say you were the Master.”

“Oh.” He blinked, considered it, then smiled, he had an uncomfortable smile this time, it was honest and crooked. It almost suited him more than his charming ones. “ _ Master _ ,” he repeated the word, adopting it. “Yes, now that you say that I think you’re right. Quite like that name, Master.”

She rolled her eyes, some things never change, no matter the regeneration. “Well you always were rather fond of it.”

“So that means that you’re....”

“The Doctor?” she finished, “it would seem so. I definitely appear to have my fair share of his memories in any case. Bits of childhood, running off to the stars, all that. It’s a little blurry, but that tends to happen after, well, you know.”

The Master leaned back against the railing in an attempt to look suave, the effect was lessened somewhat by his unsteady swaying. “We’re enemies then, right? Shouldn’t we be fighting to the death about now?”

She looked at him from across the console, his face obscured somewhat by the central beam. She should want to redeem him shouldn’t she? To keep him in some padded cell, show him the error of his ways, be a good proper Doctor. So why did that sound so dreadfully boring? 

“Is that what you want?” she asked instead.

For just a moment he sized her up, considered it, then shook his head dismissively. “Not particularly, no.”

“Good, so we’re in agreement for once. How about staying with me then? Just until your regeneration is complete at least?”

The silence stretched, leaving the Doctor to briefly consider if this would turn out to be a mistake. The foggiest hint of a memory surfaced. Falling, a castle, a white box, a new body, Logopolis, Castrovalva. Maybe she should know better.

“I don’t see why not,” the Master shrugged, picking the lint off his tweed jacket as he pretended not to care, “after all, this might be fun. Alright then, Doctor, Where to next?”

Against her better judgement the ghost of a smile crept across her face as she pulled one final lever. “Oh, I’m sure I can think of somewhere,” and with a sudden jolt the lights went out.

The two Time Lords screamed as the Tardis rocked violently through the vortex. The lights flickered erratically and the walls shook. The Master clung to the railing for dear life while the Doctor braced herself against the console. 

“What did you do!” he howled over the sound of rattling metal and an odd distant rumbling.

“Nothing!” snapped the Doctor, “there’s something holding on to the Tardis! It’s being dragged in with us!” 

“Well, do  something before we crash!”

The Doctor searched the console in desperation before her eyes caught on a vaguely familiar switch. With the last of her strength she lurched forward and struck it.

The shaking stopped, the lights flickered back to normal, and with one final crash the two Time Lords laid half dead on the Tardis floor.

All things considered there were _worst_ ways to start off a regeneration.

——

The Doctor was dragged from the depths of unconsciousness by the sound of knocking on the Tardis door. Rude awakenings were starting to become a habit she had no intention of keeping. 

She sat up miserably, and noticed with some concern that her sonic screwdriver had managed to escape her during the chaos. It laid on the floor a few feet in front of her, carefully she scooped it up, and set it back in her pocket where it belonged.

The Master, now also awake and at least vaguely conscious, stumbled to his feet. He made his way to the door recklessly, with quick lengthy strides, as if the lingering regeneration vertigo was simply something to be outrun.

Mid-knock the Master swung the door open sharply. “Shhhh!” he snarled, before slamming it shut once more.

The knocking only persisted even louder. The Doctor got to her feet slowly, cursing her morals for not letting her kill the intruder and be done with it. 

“Doctor!” shouted the person on the other side of the door, “Doctor, you open the door this instant or by the glory of the Sontaran Empire I will commandeer your vessel!”

The Master tensed in annoyance before yanking the door open once more.

“Ah yes, there you are Doctor. You look different? Did you do something with your hair?” Strax asked politely, if a little confused.

The Master stepped out of the Tardis, glaring daggers at Strax. “Listen here potato, I am  not the Doctor. This,” the Master nodded to the other Time Lady as she stepped out of the console room and leaned against the Tardis threshold, “is the Doctor, and me and my...” he struggled for a word between best friend and arch nemesis, “ associate here, have better things to be doing than entertaining the likes of you. Now if you would be so kind as to-“

A roar like thunder cut though his words. There, in the centre of London, stood a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

The Master stared in captivated silence, a slow smile cutting across his face. “Well that explains the landing.”   
  


The Doctor blinked in disbelief. “You got us eaten by a dinosaur... You got my ship eaten by a giant lizard and you didn’t even notice!”

“Hey you!” shouted the Master, waving his arms about in a desperate attempt to get her attention. “Yes you! Big sexy woman! Over here!”

“Please don’t flirt with it,” the Doctor sighed miserably, “it’s bad enough that your stupidity got her here in the first place.”

“Well, to be fair Doctor, I had just regenerated.”

“As had I! But At least my newest body had the good sense to grow a brain!”

The Master rolled his eyes, the Doctor huffed in annoyance, a confused dinosaur tore through the streets of London, and Strax looked as though he would rather be some place else.


	2. Dead Dino Square

“Strax!” Jenny called, bounding over to the Tardis, Vastra trailing less enthusiastically behind her. “We finished installing the sonic lanterns! Where is he? What happened?”

Strax shuffled his feet awkwardly. “The Doctor and her  associate have vacated the premises.”

“They left? Just like that?” Madam Vastra asked, “what happened?”

“Her!?” Jenny repeated, “are you certain the Doctor was a  _ her_?”

“Beyond a doubt lady Flint. She seemed quite adamant about it, insisted I call her a Time Lady, then scampered off with that gentleman friend of hers.”

Vastra circled the Tardis slowly, examining the dinosaur drool and drawing her own conclusions. “So they’ve regenerated. How interesting.” 

“We have to fine them!” chirped Jenny, “they might be in danger!”

“Yes my dear, I do believe you’re right.”

———

In the heart of London people gawked, a child cried, and a certain dinosaur was having a very difficult afternoon. Two Time Lords drifted through the crowded streets hand in hand. Both unsteady and stumbling, clinging to each other like a life line. It would be getting dark soon, the once blue sky threatened evening, but neither could be bothered to care.

“So why exactly are we going  _ towards _ the giant murder lizard?” the Doctor chided.

“Because I am going to team up with it!” the Master announced with more than his fair share of confidence.

“Let me guess, this is another one of your evil plots to kill a lot of people and possibly rule the universe?”

He smirked deviously. “My dear Doctor, you know me too well.”

“So how then?”

“ _How _ what? ”

“How are you going to do it? What’s the plan? Go on, impress me.” 

The Master shrugged. “It’s a big hungry animal with knife teeth, how hard could it be? I’ll think of something, I always do. I’m supposed to be fantastically clever right? Brilliant even. I’m a genius really, charming too, you should count yourself lucky to even-”

The Doctor yanked his hand sharply in annoyance. “Will you quit prattling on about how great you are? Your ego seems to be inflating with age. Even if you do manage to ally yourself with her, she will just end up betraying you like all the others. Darling, you must admit have a bit of a history.”

“Come on, this will be fun! Where’s your sense of adventure? Your drive to rescue and redeem? Your stupid little fondness for anything breathing? You should really be more excited about this, it’s an ancient mysterious-“

The tyrannosaurus caught fire. 

Panic overtook the observers instantly. Some screamed, others ran. The Master stopped in his tracts and stared, horrified, as the now roasted dinosaur crashed to the city streets with a final roar of agony. 

The Doctor began to clap. 

“What a show!” she called, “never seen anything like it, roasted alive in twelve seconds flat! Encore! Encore!”

“Would you stop that!” the Master snapped, grabbing one of her hands in an attempt to keep her from clapping. “Someone clearly just killed it, and you’re celebrating?!”

A scared looking young man rushed past, knocking into the Doctor’s shoulder in his alarm.

“Oi, you laddie!” the Doctor called after him, “free barbecue’s that way!”

The Master looked defeated. “How are you possibly enjoying this? I thought you loved all living things.”

“I do! But, I’m not the one who was just about to unleash it upon these poor defenceless people. Her life for the lives of hundreds, I see this as an absolute win.” The Master sighed miserably as the Doctor tugged them both closer to the scene of the crime. “Oh don’t take it personally Master! I wouldn’t have let you get away with it anyways, this just spares me the trouble of stopping you.”

They watched in silence as the smoke and steam curled into the sky, as the charred leathery skin cooled to nothing and the city seemed to grow uncomfortably silent, no one wanting to draw attention to themselves, as if realizing they might be next. 

“What a waste, I suppose she was rather spectacular. Who do you think did this?” the Doctor asked in a hush, turning her attention to the lingering crowd, all suspects. 

“She was scared. She was scared and alone. I brought her here, and look what they did.”

The Doctor squeezed his hand, and noticed he was trembling. “I’m sorry, Master. Whoever‘s responsible for this, I’ll stop them. That’s my job after all, to be a Doctor.”

The Master caught her eyes, and the Doctor took a moment to memorize the new colour. Faded and blue and full of so much hatred, they suited him perfectly.

—

“Have you see two individuals? One eccentric, a bit mad, possibly dressed like they don’t know how clothing works? the other exactly the same but worst?” Jenny inquired to a young man who clearly had no idea what was happening.

The three paternoster gang members stood out in the busy city streets, not because of their appearances, which were no match for a veil and a couple of perception filters, but rather because they were the only ones completely unfazed by the roasting dinosaur carcass a block and a half down the street.

“I’m sorry you lot,” the man replied, “but I really don’t know who you’re talking about. Do you think you could give a better description?”

“Certainly puny human.” Strax stepped in. “They had grown hats of silver and bronze fur.”

“He means hair. One had grey hair, the other was a brunette,” Madam Vastra clarified. 

“...go on.” The man nodded encouragingly, still unsure if this was just some sort of elaborate joke or if these people were well and truly insane.

Strax continued, “the Time Lady had a black suit, the Lord donned a brown one. Both are dreadfully rude.”

Something familiar stuck at the back of the man’s mind. “That does sound vaguely familiar... have you checked the square where that beast was killed?”

Jenny grinned. “I told you two! You both said we should look around town first, but I knew right away I did. Big dinosaur, middle of London, course the Doctor would be there.”

“Yes, yes,” Vastra agreed, taking her wife’s hand as they moved past the man and continued down the street. “Let’s just hope we can find them before they get themselves killed. Again.”

Strax turned to leave, but looked back to the man quickly. “Thank you for your assistance madam and or sir. You shall be spared when your planet inevitably surrenders beneath the might of Sontaran forces. Shall I submit your name for our records?”

The man raised an eyebrow and waited, Strax waited too, he came to the sudden conclusion that if he wanted this stranger to leave he should just give him his name and be done with it. “Edward, sir, my name is Edward Chesterton.”

Strax saluted, and left in a hurry to catch up with the others, leaving Edward alone to quietly regret not giving a pseudonym instead. He watched the peculiar trio turn the corner, shrugged, and made a beeline for the nearest place he could get a drink. 

He couldn’t find a pub, so he settled for a nearby restaurant with the word ‘MANCINI'S’ printed above the door. It would probably cost twice as much and the wine would be sour at best, but if there was one thing he had learned from today it was that life was short and he should be spending as much of it as possible drunk and disillusioned.

The place seemed nice enough, checkered floors, candlelight, white tablecloths. Everyone ate in silence, which was odd but today ‘odd’ was becoming synonymous for ‘normal.’ He flopped down in a cozy cubical and patiently perused a menu as he awaited a waiter.

A man approached him robotically, suit well pressed and looking off into space with a forced smile. “Welcome,” he greeted with a voice drained of all humanity. The ideal image of customer service.

“Good day,” Edward lied, “I’ll have a bottle of your cheapest wine and a bowl of tomato soup.”

The waiter took out a small green torch and flashed it periodically into Edward’s face. “Skin,” he droned. 

Edward frowned. “No..? Is that some sort of special or..?”

“Intestines, Heart,” the waiter continued.

“Look, if you are out of soup that’s fine. I’m not even that hungry, just the wine will do.”

“Marrow, brain stem.”

“Sir, I believe we are having two vastly different conversations.”

The waiter froze suddenly as he held the pen torch over Edward’s left shoulder, the same one he had bumped into that odd woman from earlier with.

“Alien life signs detected, further tests required.”

Edward looked him over, well and truly lost. He wanted to speak but didn’t quite know where to begin. Unfortunately he was never given the chance, for just then the seat seemed to warp around him, buckling him in as the cubical descended into the floor.

—

The Doctor paced thoughtfully through the square. Her long mahogany hair fell thick and wild around her face and her black suit was undoubtably too large for her. Despite her somewhat unkept appearance she seemed to belong there, cutting a dark silhouette, like some grim reaper, looming, ready to collect. 

She stepped towards the ashes now coating the cobblestone street. It hadn’t been more than a handful of minutes since the dinosaur had caught fire, but the t-rex was already reduced to nothing more than a soot stain and a warm spot. The Doctor crouched down, dusted her pointer and middle finger over the ashes, and stuck them in her mouth.

The Master’s face shrivelled in disgust. “Eww.”

The Doctor hummed as she stood up, rolling around the flavour as if contemplating a fine glass of wine. “Well it’s not gasoline, or gun powder, it seems like it’s purely biological. Whoever did this knows how living organisms work and has technology far more advanced than anything this time would typically allow, but the real question is  why?”

“I’m sorry, but do you always go around eating weird things for science?”

The Doctor nodded slowly, blurry memories making her unsure of the answer. “I think so, is that strange?”

The Master sighed. “A bit, but if you want to get yourself killed eating floor dinosaur than be my guest. Watching you regenerate might be fun.”

She rolled her eyes. “So, as I was saying, the real question is-“

“Doctor!” Jenny called as she made her way through the lingering crowd towards the two Time Lords, Strax marching by her side and  Vastra strolling gracefully. “Doctor is that you!?”

The Doctor and the Master exchanged a look.

“You remember who those people are right?” asked the Master.

The Doctor faked a smile and a wave to the trio, whispering quickly though clenched teeth, “not a clue, but is that the same Sontaran from earlier?”

The Master furled his eyebrows in confusion. “There was a Sontaran earlier!?”

“Are you always this useless after a regeneration?”

“I don’t know, I can’t remember. What should we do? Should we run?”

“Wouldn’t hurt to play it safe,” she said, taking his hand and breaking into a sprint.

——

By the time they stopped running it was twilight. They took greedy breaths as they leaned against the alley wall. Their skin glowed faintly in the dull light, a side effect of lingering regenerations.

The Doctor looked over to the Master with the hint of a smile. “Hey, why do you run like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like a T-Rex with its arse on fire.” He shot her a glare and she shrugged off a laugh. “Fine, fine, I won’t joke about your little girlfriend. That was too soon.”

“So what now?” he said, ignoring her antics.

“I suppose we wait until morning, return to the scene of the crime, go looking for more clues,” the Doctor considered this, unsure if it was truly the right course of action. She was supposed to be good at this sort of thing right? 

She stepped away from the wall and sat upon something vaguely representing a wooden dumpster, kicked off her misfitting shoes and scoffed at them bitterly. “I swear these things are impossible. They must be five sizes too big, and that leather is murder on the ankles.”

“Good riddance. I don’t know what your last self was thinking with that outfit. All crisp blazers and black dress shoes? Really? Not your style at all and I saw you wear that clown costume of a coat for two hundred years.”

“Hey, I  liked that coat! It was handsome on me!”

“My dear Doctor, that coat was hideous and we both knew it, but I appreciate your confidence.” He kneeled down to peel off his own boots and replace them with the Doctor’s discarded pair, “but, I suppose it’s convenient really, these were a bit small on me anyways. Help yourself to them if you’d like.”

The Doctor raised a curious eyebrow before stepping down from her makeshift seat to put on the new pair. “If I didn’t know better, Master, I would almost think you were being kind today.”

The Master flinched, but slowly managed a laugh. “Imagine that! Me, kind!” And he smiled a little too earnestly.


End file.
